[Time on Asgard was measured differently than Earth, but that is true of most worlds. Days and years vary from planet to planet by virtue of orbit alone, though the lifespan of the dominant species is also a factor. The more long-lived a race the longer their calendars tended to be. For example though the day and night cycle were roughly the same between Asgard and Earth the Aesir month and year are much longer than their Earth counterparts.
So despite the fact that it had been a few years since Frigga's death, to Loki it still felt like yesterday. Today would have been her birthday by the Asgardian calendar. Were the realm eternal still whole it would be early autumn, still hot from summer during the day with cool night heralding the winter to come. On earth it is solidly winter, the cold night air biting against his skin.
It probably doesn't help that he's sitting on a cliff face overlooking the ocean at night with nothing to protect him from the cool sea breeze but a thin cotton shirt and pants. He is hoping that finishing the large jug of mead clutched in one hand will help fight off the cold.
He gropes around in his pocket for his phone, dialing without really realizing who he is calling. It rings a few times, and the dread in having someone else see him in this weakness almost outweighs the despair.]
Steven? [He hates himself for how weak his voice sounds and has to fight the urge to throw the phone over the cliff rather than continue the conversation.]
Thor's told him a little, and they've talked about Frigga in general. They've talked about mourning your loved ones, and how Thor's coping. Thor has coping mechanisms, though, even if he's not always great about using them. He has friends, he has friends-who-are-family, he has exercise and fresh air. (He even has Sam, now and then, and Steve knows how helpful Sam's quiet understanding and irritating wisecracks can be.)
Loki doesn't have those.
So Steve has wondered a couple times if Loki might call, or arrive. He's tossing up calling him, in fact. Maybe in a few days. See how he's doing. It's not that he considers himself super close to Loki or anything...
But he likes him.
A lot more than he ever expected to.
He presses the icon on the phone, with a small worried smile on his face.]
Loki.
Hey.
How're you doing?
[He winces at how stupid that sounds. Of course Loki's not doing great. Especially not with that tone in his voice. Maybe he can try again.]
Wait, first off, where are you? Can I come to you, or do you want to come here?
[Loki gives a hollow laugh when Steve asks how he is. The uncertainty in his voice tells Loki that Thor has most likely talked to the good Captain about today's significance.]
I am...somewhere. [He hadn't actually paid attention when he teleported. It's possible, now that he looks around, that he is on the same cliff where he and Thor sat and watched Odin fade away. He hopes not.
He had started the night in a bar, thinking the activity could drown out the noise in his head. The chaos around him was crushing, so he stole a jug of their best mead and teleported away. The only thing on his mind was a need for solitude, but even that is now too much.
He's starting to think his surroundings aren't the problem.]
Are you alone? [He realizes that, with their roles, it is a loaded question. Still, through the chaotic chain of events of the last year and a half, he has come to trust Steve and can think of no one else to turn to.]
[There's a smile in Steve's voice, and more affection than he'd ever
expected to feel towards this man. Is it a year today? By Asgardian
standards? That must be hard, and he so very doesn't want to be a jerk
about it.]
Yeah. I went for a run in the park, but there's no one around. I can head
back to my place if that's easier, though.
[Loaded as hell, absolutely. But even if Steve thought Loki was
trying to mess with him, he knows that Loki could technically land at his
place any time and destroy it. Inviting him doesn't change that.
............and there's a part of him that really, really likes that Loki
wants to turn to him.]
I was not paying much attention when I teleported.
[Said as if that is a totally normal thing for a person to do. You know, just performed a rather complicated feat of magic without actually focusing]
Yes that...I will meet you there.
[He hangs up before he can say anything he may regret. The teleport to Steve's home is embarrassingly easy. One moment he's on the cliff and the next he's in Steve's living room.
Eventually he settles in a comfortable sort of curled up position resting against the back of the couch.]
I understand. [gentle, because he's been a sap for a long, long
time, and Loki being 'totally normal' is just fine] It's okay.
[Steve heads back up to his place. It's funny. Opening the door
makes him instantly aware that his place isn't empty, even though he has no
extrasensory abilities whatsoever. Loki just has a presence about him.
Or Steve has been hit on the head once too many times. One or the
other. He toes out of his shoes and drops his key in the bowl by the door,
then heads through to the living room.]
I believe I am satisfied where drink is concerned [He lazily lifts up the jug which is now about two-thirds empty.] But thank you for your hospitality.
[He gives a heavy sigh and sinks a little more into the couch. With the blinds pulled closed he hopes it's dark enough in the room for Steve to not notice how red his eyes are.]
Steve cocks his head, then plonks himself down next to Loki. A
couple inches away. Not touching - not yet, at least. He turns a little
towards Loki, one knee drawn up onto the couch, the grey fabric of his
shorts bunching around his thigh. He reaches out to touch Loki's shoulder
briefly. He's not quite aware of Loki's eyes, but he'll probably figure it
out sooner or later.]
[Loki tenses slightly when Steve sits down, like a cat ready to bolt at the slightest movement. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't let anyone see this, he can do this on his own, he's never needed anyone before-
Steve puts his hand on his shoulder and for a moment he almost does run, but something in the other's voice brings him back into the moment.
He opens his mouth to speak, but the words catch in his throat. He hasn't spoken to anyone about her in so long. If he really thinks about it the last was probably a tense conversation with Thor that a few shouted sentences before he ran. Again.]
She was amazing. [And just like that the dam in his throat broke] The wisest of all Aesir. More powerful than any mage born before her. Unfailingly kind and fair and good and...and...
[Tears burn behind his eyes]
...and I..I was so useless, sitting in that damn cell while she fought and died and I wasn't there. I could have stopped it, she would still be here-
[A harsh shudder catches in his chest as he suppresses a sob, determined to not do this again. He'd cried once, he'd mourned, it was done. So why is the urge to unbearable now?]
[Steve's seen Loki face down the Avengers. He's seen him face down
Thor. He's seen him face all manner of enemies. And right now? Right
now is the most scared that Steve's ever seen him.
He keeps quiet, and just listens as Loki lets a little of it
out.]
Ah, she sounds wonderful.
[There's a near sob inside Loki somewhere, and Steve makes a
protesting sound in his own throat. He takes a chance, and slides an arm
around Loki's thin shoulders. He'll move it if Loki goes tense for more
than a second or so. If Loki turns into him, instead, then he'll gather him
close.]
Hey. Hey, it's okay. She was your mother, and you're allowed to miss her.
Promise.
[Loki does tense when the arm is placed around him, but the moment Steve seems like he is going to pull away Loki grabshis arm to stop him]
I'm the most useless son in all the realms. She gave me everything, even when everyone else shunned me she tried to provide comfort and I shunned it all. I wasn't there for her, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't even go to her sending.
[Steve shift closer Loki gets the overwhelming urge to curl into him. It has been so long since someone offered him physical comfort, so long since he has been vulnerable enough in front of someone to warrant it. He realizes that the arm around him is grounding, that he wants more contact.
Well, he's never been one to deny himself something he wants.
Loki leans into Steve, drawing his knees up to his chest]
Did she though? She visited me in the dungeons and every time I turned her away. [He grits his teeth, determined to not cry. His next sentence starts with a gasp] I was so cruel and all she ever did was love me!
[Steve's heart, never particularly icy to begin with, is melting
rapidly. He fits himself against Loki more securely, arm tightening around
his shoulders.]
She wouldn't've kept coming back if she truly thought you hated her.
Oh. Oh, hey, hey -
[He kisses Loki's hair reflexively, then makes a small pained sound,
and lightly kisses Loki on the lips.]
[Loki freezes for a second, full stop, no breathing, nothing. His mind grinds to a halt as Steve's lips meet his and it's just enough that when it starts working again he's no long in a panic.
He shouldn't, on paper they are completely incomparable. Steve should probably hate him and he should, at the very least, thing him a puny mortal not worth his time. Yet when he realized he needed someone Rogers was the first name in his mind.
So he kisses back.
It's more fierce than Steve's initial kiss, driven by the need for physical contact, the desire to think of anything else, and a desire he'd been ignoring at the back of his mind for longer than he'd admit. One hand fists into Steve's hair to hold him in place, while the other went to his shoulder so Loki could better leverage himself closerclosercloser.]
[Steve's been more attracted to Loki than he's realized. A lot more
attracted. He wasn't exactly delighted about him when the Avengers were
fighting him, sure... but he's Thor's brother. And Thor trusts him, even if
he doesn't trust him as far as he could throw him (and Thor can throw Loki
a long way).
More importantly, Thor's talked about him, here and there. On those
late nights when it's just been four, or three, or two of them. Sitting up
late, watching the stars, getting into the deeper matters. Thor's talked
about Loki. Doesn't mean that Thor sees everything there is to see about
Loki. No one ever sees absolutely everything about another person. But it's
given Steve a much better idea about the shape of the man underneath
everything that's been done to him, everything that's happened to him.
Talking to Loki himself has cemented that.
Seeing the humor in him. The care. The shyness. The strength to
continue when others might just give up. Steve gets it.
So he didn't particularly mean to kiss Loki just then, but he
doesn't regret it. When Loki kisses him back he makes a soft gasp of want,
leaning into him. Loki's fingers feel good.]
[When growing up many people said Loki was Thor's impulse control, and in many ways that was true. He would always tell his brother when something was a dumb idea or likely to get him killed. He never really stopped him, but it still gave him the reputation of being the 'responsible one.'
The issue is Loki's impulse control is roughly as good as Thor's (that being nearly non-existent), but unlike his brother Loki never had anyone to slow him down. So when the urge hits him to do something potentially self-destructive he just goes for it.
Like right now he really wants to climb into Steve's lap, and no one is telling him not to, so he leverages himself up and swings a leg over the other's lap. He pulls back briefly to get a breath of air]
[Steve's only too aware of what Thor's like. He loves him, as a
friend, as a companion, as a fellow warrior. Someone he can trust. He's
beginning to realise that maybe there's more to it for him, with Loki.
He's also beginning to realise that Loki around Thor is not exactly
the same as Loki by himself. Hoo boy, is he not!
Steve's eyebrows are high on his face, but his hands are welcoming,
spread across Loki's lower back. There might be a touch of possessiveness
to it, too.]
Yeah.
[There's warmth in his voice.]
I mean, I don't know how far you want to go, and I'm not about to take
advantage of you when you're upset. But kissing? Wanting you here?
[Somewhere at the back of Loki's mind his better judgement whispers that this is dangerous, he should stop and evaluate. Still there is a voice much louder, amplified by the mead coursing through him, urging him forward. Take what is offered, what you want, what you deserve. Forget your sorrow and damn the consequences.
His next kiss is sloppier. He actually misses Steve's lips on the first try, only really getting the corner before correcting to capture his lips again]
[Steve's very aware that as the one who's not hurting, it's his
responsibility to make sure Loki doesn't do anything he'll regret. Hell,
even if he wouldn't regret it, Steve would, because it's not right
to take advantage of someone who's drunk, or grieving, and especially not
when they're both.
Kissing him is glorious, though.
Loki kisses him messily, and Steve's breath catches as he winds
gentle fingers through Loki's hair. There's more need in himself than he
wants to admit.]
[If someone had told him a couple of years ago that he would be here now, sitting on Captain America indulging in a very enjoyable make out sessions in years he would have laughed and then stabbed them.
He pulls back just enough to speak, breath ghosting over Steve's ear]
[Steve shivers at that, pleasure raking sharply up his spine, but he
reluctantly shakes his head.]
I - I want to take this further, Loki. But I can't. Not going to happen,
and it's not your fault. I just can't take advantage of someone to, uh,
take things further. Can't. You deserve better than that.
[Steve makes a strangled sound. It's been a while for him, and the
gentle touch feels so good. He's trying as hard as he can to ignore
just how good Loki's weight feels on his erection, too.]
You're capable. You're - [deep breath] - you're very
capable. But I'm not going to let this happen, because you're impaired.
[Loki sits back, removing his hands from Steve's chest but not moving from his lap.]
A few drinks and I'm impaired? [Of course the mead could not have touched him had it been of human brewing, but the crest of New Asgard on the nearly empty jug betrays it's origin.]
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cuttingremark) wrote2019-08-05 07:41 pm
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So despite the fact that it had been a few years since Frigga's death, to Loki it still felt like yesterday. Today would have been her birthday by the Asgardian calendar. Were the realm eternal still whole it would be early autumn, still hot from summer during the day with cool night heralding the winter to come. On earth it is solidly winter, the cold night air biting against his skin.
It probably doesn't help that he's sitting on a cliff face overlooking the ocean at night with nothing to protect him from the cool sea breeze but a thin cotton shirt and pants. He is hoping that finishing the large jug of mead clutched in one hand will help fight off the cold.
He gropes around in his pocket for his phone, dialing without really realizing who he is calling. It rings a few times, and the dread in having someone else see him in this weakness almost outweighs the despair.]
Steven? [He hates himself for how weak his voice sounds and has to fight the urge to throw the phone over the cliff rather than continue the conversation.]
no subject
Thor's told him a little, and they've talked about Frigga in general. They've talked about mourning your loved ones, and how Thor's coping. Thor has coping mechanisms, though, even if he's not always great about using them. He has friends, he has friends-who-are-family, he has exercise and fresh air. (He even has Sam, now and then, and Steve knows how helpful Sam's quiet understanding and irritating wisecracks can be.)
Loki doesn't have those.
So Steve has wondered a couple times if Loki might call, or arrive. He's tossing up calling him, in fact. Maybe in a few days. See how he's doing. It's not that he considers himself super close to Loki or anything...
But he likes him.
A lot more than he ever expected to.
He presses the icon on the phone, with a small worried smile on his face.]
Loki.
Hey.
How're you doing?
[He winces at how stupid that sounds. Of course Loki's not doing great. Especially not with that tone in his voice. Maybe he can try again.]
Wait, first off, where are you? Can I come to you, or do you want to come here?
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I am...somewhere. [He hadn't actually paid attention when he teleported. It's possible, now that he looks around, that he is on the same cliff where he and Thor sat and watched Odin fade away. He hopes not.
He had started the night in a bar, thinking the activity could drown out the noise in his head. The chaos around him was crushing, so he stole a jug of their best mead and teleported away. The only thing on his mind was a need for solitude, but even that is now too much.
He's starting to think his surroundings aren't the problem.]
Are you alone? [He realizes that, with their roles, it is a loaded question. Still, through the chaotic chain of events of the last year and a half, he has come to trust Steve and can think of no one else to turn to.]
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Somewhere, huh?
[There's a smile in Steve's voice, and more affection than he'd ever expected to feel towards this man. Is it a year today? By Asgardian standards? That must be hard, and he so very doesn't want to be a jerk about it.]
Yeah. I went for a run in the park, but there's no one around. I can head back to my place if that's easier, though.
[Loaded as hell, absolutely. But even if Steve thought Loki was trying to mess with him, he knows that Loki could technically land at his place any time and destroy it. Inviting him doesn't change that. ............and there's a part of him that really, really likes that Loki wants to turn to him.]
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[Said as if that is a totally normal thing for a person to do. You know, just performed a rather complicated feat of magic without actually focusing]
Yes that...I will meet you there.
[He hangs up before he can say anything he may regret. The teleport to Steve's home is embarrassingly easy. One moment he's on the cliff and the next he's in Steve's living room.
Eventually he settles in a comfortable sort of curled up position resting against the back of the couch.]
no subject
I understand. [gentle, because he's been a sap for a long, long time, and Loki being 'totally normal' is just fine] It's okay.
[Steve heads back up to his place. It's funny. Opening the door makes him instantly aware that his place isn't empty, even though he has no extrasensory abilities whatsoever. Loki just has a presence about him.
Or Steve has been hit on the head once too many times. One or the other. He toes out of his shoes and drops his key in the bowl by the door, then heads through to the living room.]
Hey there.
[Loki looks small and vulnerable.]
You want some water? Tea?
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[He gives a heavy sigh and sinks a little more into the couch. With the blinds pulled closed he hopes it's dark enough in the room for Steve to not notice how red his eyes are.]
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[Oh, that's not a great sign.
Steve cocks his head, then plonks himself down next to Loki. A couple inches away. Not touching - not yet, at least. He turns a little towards Loki, one knee drawn up onto the couch, the grey fabric of his shorts bunching around his thigh. He reaches out to touch Loki's shoulder briefly. He's not quite aware of Loki's eyes, but he'll probably figure it out sooner or later.]
Your mom, right?
[very gentle] You want to tell me about her?
no subject
Steve puts his hand on his shoulder and for a moment he almost does run, but something in the other's voice brings him back into the moment.
He opens his mouth to speak, but the words catch in his throat. He hasn't spoken to anyone about her in so long. If he really thinks about it the last was probably a tense conversation with Thor that a few shouted sentences before he ran. Again.]
She was amazing. [And just like that the dam in his throat broke] The wisest of all Aesir. More powerful than any mage born before her. Unfailingly kind and fair and good and...and...
[Tears burn behind his eyes]
...and I..I was so useless, sitting in that damn cell while she fought and died and I wasn't there. I could have stopped it, she would still be here-
[A harsh shudder catches in his chest as he suppresses a sob, determined to not do this again. He'd cried once, he'd mourned, it was done. So why is the urge to unbearable now?]
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[Steve's seen Loki face down the Avengers. He's seen him face down Thor. He's seen him face all manner of enemies. And right now? Right now is the most scared that Steve's ever seen him.
He keeps quiet, and just listens as Loki lets a little of it out.]
Ah, she sounds wonderful.
[There's a near sob inside Loki somewhere, and Steve makes a protesting sound in his own throat. He takes a chance, and slides an arm around Loki's thin shoulders. He'll move it if Loki goes tense for more than a second or so. If Loki turns into him, instead, then he'll gather him close.]
Hey. Hey, it's okay. She was your mother, and you're allowed to miss her. Promise.
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I'm the most useless son in all the realms. She gave me everything, even when everyone else shunned me she tried to provide comfort and I shunned it all. I wasn't there for her, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't even go to her sending.
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[Steve's face creases in empathy. He's not exactly immune to loss himself. He shifts closer.]
Ah, that's rough. That's so rough.
I'm sure she knew you loved her. And that's what she would've wanted.
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Well, he's never been one to deny himself something he wants.
Loki leans into Steve, drawing his knees up to his chest]
Did she though? She visited me in the dungeons and every time I turned her away. [He grits his teeth, determined to not cry. His next sentence starts with a gasp] I was so cruel and all she ever did was love me!
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[Steve's heart, never particularly icy to begin with, is melting rapidly. He fits himself against Loki more securely, arm tightening around his shoulders.]
She wouldn't've kept coming back if she truly thought you hated her.
Oh. Oh, hey, hey -
[He kisses Loki's hair reflexively, then makes a small pained sound, and lightly kisses Loki on the lips.]
no subject
He shouldn't, on paper they are completely incomparable. Steve should probably hate him and he should, at the very least, thing him a puny mortal not worth his time. Yet when he realized he needed someone Rogers was the first name in his mind.
So he kisses back.
It's more fierce than Steve's initial kiss, driven by the need for physical contact, the desire to think of anything else, and a desire he'd been ignoring at the back of his mind for longer than he'd admit. One hand fists into Steve's hair to hold him in place, while the other went to his shoulder so Loki could better leverage himself closerclosercloser.]
no subject
[Steve's been more attracted to Loki than he's realized. A lot more attracted. He wasn't exactly delighted about him when the Avengers were fighting him, sure... but he's Thor's brother. And Thor trusts him, even if he doesn't trust him as far as he could throw him (and Thor can throw Loki a long way).
More importantly, Thor's talked about him, here and there. On those late nights when it's just been four, or three, or two of them. Sitting up late, watching the stars, getting into the deeper matters. Thor's talked about Loki. Doesn't mean that Thor sees everything there is to see about Loki. No one ever sees absolutely everything about another person. But it's given Steve a much better idea about the shape of the man underneath everything that's been done to him, everything that's happened to him. Talking to Loki himself has cemented that.
Seeing the humor in him. The care. The shyness. The strength to continue when others might just give up. Steve gets it.
So he didn't particularly mean to kiss Loki just then, but he doesn't regret it. When Loki kisses him back he makes a soft gasp of want, leaning into him. Loki's fingers feel good.]
no subject
The issue is Loki's impulse control is roughly as good as Thor's (that being nearly non-existent), but unlike his brother Loki never had anyone to slow him down. So when the urge hits him to do something potentially self-destructive he just goes for it.
Like right now he really wants to climb into Steve's lap, and no one is telling him not to, so he leverages himself up and swings a leg over the other's lap. He pulls back briefly to get a breath of air]
Steven. [His voice is breathy] Are you sure?
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[Steve's only too aware of what Thor's like. He loves him, as a friend, as a companion, as a fellow warrior. Someone he can trust. He's beginning to realise that maybe there's more to it for him, with Loki.
He's also beginning to realise that Loki around Thor is not exactly the same as Loki by himself. Hoo boy, is he not!
Steve's eyebrows are high on his face, but his hands are welcoming, spread across Loki's lower back. There might be a touch of possessiveness to it, too.]
Yeah.
[There's warmth in his voice.]
I mean, I don't know how far you want to go, and I'm not about to take advantage of you when you're upset. But kissing? Wanting you here?
Yes. A thousand times, yes.
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His next kiss is sloppier. He actually misses Steve's lips on the first try, only really getting the corner before correcting to capture his lips again]
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[Steve's very aware that as the one who's not hurting, it's his responsibility to make sure Loki doesn't do anything he'll regret. Hell, even if he wouldn't regret it, Steve would, because it's not right to take advantage of someone who's drunk, or grieving, and especially not when they're both.
Kissing him is glorious, though.
Loki kisses him messily, and Steve's breath catches as he winds gentle fingers through Loki's hair. There's more need in himself than he wants to admit.]
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He pulls back just enough to speak, breath ghosting over Steve's ear]
You are wearing far too many clothes.
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[Steve shivers at that, pleasure raking sharply up his spine, but he reluctantly shakes his head.]
I - I want to take this further, Loki. But I can't. Not going to happen, and it's not your fault. I just can't take advantage of someone to, uh, take things further. Can't. You deserve better than that.
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[Loki runs a hand down Steve's chest, then back up under his shirt.
That rational part of his brain fights for dominance: Steven is right, this should stop. But it feels so nice to just forget.]
Or do you think I incapable of making my own decisions?
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[Steve makes a strangled sound. It's been a while for him, and the gentle touch feels so good. He's trying as hard as he can to ignore just how good Loki's weight feels on his erection, too.]
You're capable. You're - [deep breath] - you're very capable. But I'm not going to let this happen, because you're impaired.
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A few drinks and I'm impaired? [Of course the mead could not have touched him had it been of human brewing, but the crest of New Asgard on the nearly empty jug betrays it's origin.]
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[Steve lifts a hand and cups Loki's cheek, then makes a guilty face, removing his hand.]
Sorry. I - yeah. Not just the drinks. You're upset.
Anyone would be.
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Isn't it tiring, always being so responsible?
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[Steve snorts.]
There are people who'd say I'm anything but.
...but yes. It can be.
[He doesn't want Loki to feel ashamed, but it's difficult to avoid in these circumstances.]
I would like to do this again sometime, if you still want to. Another time.
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You know, if it weren't so obvious how I was affecting you I would think you were just being nice.
[He finally looks back up, face oddly blank save for a small smirk]
She would have loved you.